Actresses with Eating Disorders - How to Survive in Hollywood

Actresses with Eating Disorders - How to Survive in Hollywood

I have first-hand experience with this not-so-rare phenomenon. It's difficult enough to want to look and feel good to others and feel attractive enough to attract a partner, but throw in control of the camera and the five to ten pounds it adds to your frame and it's a sure path to disaster if you have an eating disorder.

I started barking and rinsing when I was in high school. It wasn't just a way to deal with my "baby fat," it was a coping mechanism. I thought I had everything under control. Six months later I was still doing it. Six years later, I realized I really had a problem. Twelve years later, I finally found help. Today I am free of bulimia.

There is no way to free yourself from an eating disorder. Every person has their own path. I never thought I would see the end of my very dark hell tunnel that was my eating disorder. I want to let others know that there is hope. If I can do it, you can too.

I found a therapist who gently guided me back to myself. I was a lost soul. I couldn't look myself in the eyes in the mirror because I was so disgusted with myself. I would be so nervous and stressed before an acting job that I would numb myself by binging and purging all the time, trying to make sure my eyes didn't get too puffy for the next few days of on-camera work. I wanted to do a good job for the director and the other actors. I wanted to look good in front of the camera. I never felt thin enough. I look back at the films I've made and just shake my head in disbelief. I wasn't fat I had a completely different perspective, a completely distorted perspective of what I thought I looked like and what reality was.

I'll tell you what worked for me. My therapist gently asked me to call him when I felt like I was binging and purging. I couldn't do that. It was too invasive for me. I wasn't strong enough Then he asked me to call and leave him a message when I binge and wanted to clean. I couldn't do that either. So he asked me to write it and send it in an email when I binge and wanted to cleanse. It took a while, but I was finally able to do this. This is what I wrote:

OK, I can address that. I must not. I fight in between. I did really well today...according to my standards for calorie intake and exercise.

I snack on baked lays and those are usually okay, but I have a few other things to snack on here and if I go there I don't think I'll like myself for eating it. Right now it feels like a calorie thing... it sometimes is, sometimes it isn't. I've been with a lot of people lately. Sometimes it's so stressful that I turn to binging and purging. I don't know yet if it's about not having done it in a few days or trying to escape being around people and being so affected by them. Now I'm eating some of the ham and cheese sandwich I got at Circle K. I took off the bread to feel better, but I don't think it will stay that way... now I feel even worse because I eat the other half without most of the bread. But I almost challenge myself to do this just so I can do this (write about it and delve into it)…before I thought I wanted to eat and not think about it and escape…me. .. then I thought better that I was afraid of not having to write about it. Now I'm sad because I'm writing about it...as I take another bite...that sucks. I want more. I don't want to want anymore. This was a vague click. (I call it a "click" because to me it felt like a switch suddenly flipped and there was no going back to binging and purging.) More thought processes occur... not so suddenly Just click because that can't happen if I write about it. I don't feel good about it and it slows me down, but I don't think it's bad enough to stop me anymore. I hate that though. I hate this. Another pair of Baked Lays...it adds up. I hate this. Now I feel like I have to go all out on buying something cheap... I hate sharing this. I feel exposed. I've said that before. I feel disappointed…me/you/the world. I'm such a good person without this... I know that's not true, but I just felt it. I feel bad. Tears stream down my face without me even having to cry. I hate this. My throat feels like it's going to explode with the pressure. I don't want to go there, but I feel like I already... I eat another chip just to check. Hand to mouth. Comfort while crunching. That sounds so silly. It's 10:49 p.m. I think logically I have until 4pm tomorrow for my next call for this film I'm working on and I can sleep in it and be okay with having a little puffy eyes because I have time for it to become unpuffy.

Three more Baked Lays... I don't even feel that guilty about the Baked Lays... I feel guilty about my life. Well, this kind of came out of nowhere, but I don't know exactly what I mean by it, but I had to write it down just in case I found it later to understand...why would I ever feel guilty about my life? Logically and even spiritually I can grasp some of it, but I don't understand it. I don't want to ignore it exactly, but I don't know what it means if it means anything. It just popped into my head. Now that I've tried to think of it all in such a logical and pretty way... let's get back to it... I don't want to go back to it. So much easier, isn't it... Ham and Cheese, Baked Lays. I have protein and... what else... I don't want to think about it... I want to go to a fast food place and order a lot of bad, bad food and bring it back and eat everyone. This makes me cry. I don't want to taste it and I feel myself taking it out of me. God, I hate this. I do it so it helps me. I hate it. I still don't want to watch it. I don't want to leave here because then I'll do that and feel so disgusting that I did that and that I'm not such a good person for doing that... I don't want to look at that.

Now that I look at myself, I no longer want to see myself going to a fast food place and getting food. I feel solid. Stuck with food inside me...stuck. I count... I count I can't clean and feel okay. Can't I flush and weigh 150 pounds tomorrow morning? I know this is unreal, but I want to lose weight for this upcoming film. I feel like I'm failing at this. I don't know how to get there. I don't know it. I just know that I would need help and that doesn't feel good to know because I don't have anyone to help me. It would be a 24/7 job and I don't know anyone with that kind of time, let alone...me. What do I do? I don't know it. I don't know it. I want to get rid of what's inside me. This really makes me cry. I don't want it to be a part of me. It's separate from me...food can't even be a part of me. I hate digestion. It means that food has become a part of me. During the day this is not a factor in my life... I eat healthy and know that in my life I need nourishment and sustenance to sustain me... protein every three hours, carbs, proteins, fats, exercise etc etc...at night I want them to feel separate from me. The food. Leave me alone. Go away. I eat the food and don't want to go to bed without something in my stomach, but I desperately want to be away from him. I want it to leave my body. I don't want to throw up. I just want it gone. I don't know any other way to get rid of it.

I'll send this now so I don't think about it too much. These are my thoughts, now organic.

Writing about my episode changed something in me. It gently guided me into having to feel what I was trying so hard to escape. It's like I need to have a camera in my head recording what's going on so I can later figure out what might help me stop my behavior. I started writing more and more and it helped, like a kind of therapy in itself. I turned what I wrote into a book, which was also very therapeutic in itself. I want to help others find their way out of their own eating disorder hell. My book is: “Wasted from the inside, not just another woman with bulimia.”

Inspired by LoriDawn Messuri