Is there an all you can eat bar in heaven?

Is there an all you can eat bar in heaven?

Let me be clear, I hate food! I loathe and loathe it! Maybe, just maybe, I hate the control it has over me. Both physically and mentally; I want it; I need it; I hoard it; and I fantasize about it. I long for it more than anything physically known to man.

I am a binge eater.

At the age of seven, I started hoarding food in my cupboard and holding onto everything I had hidden at night. I smoked for ten years, mainly to have an alternative to food. If it came down to it, I would rather smoke than eat. During those ten years, my binge eating subsided. Oh, but when I quit smoking, which I did cold turkey, the eating and binging came back with a vengeance. At first I was pregnant and ate two, three, maybe ten! My group of doctors had me tested for diabetes multiple times because I was gaining weight so quickly. It always came back negative. I just ate too much, binge eating. A doctor even warned me that if I continued the weight gain, I would probably have a big baby. And big he was: a whopping 10.4 pounds!

The weight increased for years and I tried every diet and medication known to man. I even tried to advertise the drugs as very dangerous! I lost weight twice with hypnosis. Overall, I would say I lost over 300 pounds overall. One thing throughout my weight loss successes that remained constant and never addressed was my mental and physical dependence on food, my binge eating. Even at my smallest, a size 10, I was always close to being three hundred pounds again. I felt, for lack of a better word, on the edge. That means it was only a matter of time before I surrendered and admitted defeat. I did everything, including prayer, to stop the inevitable. But I would sacrifice everything! I cheated myself, compromised my health and gave up! I threw in the towel! I was a failure again.

This latest defeat was the worst yet. I ate so much that after more than thirty years of marriage and familiarity with my eating disorder, I scared my husband. In fact, I was even scared. I gained over 23 pounds in the two short weeks of Christmas break. People say it can't be done, but I am living proof that it can and is possible. I weighed 177 pounds before the break. After the vacation, I jumped on the scale and saw that it was well over 200 pounds. I jumped off that damn scale before it could settle on a number. Twenty-three pounds was a friendly estimate.

Let me tell you what happens in the mind of a binge eater or food addict. We will use a soft iced sugar cookie as our drug of choice. Did I say drug? I meant food. I will record the process that occurs:

• I imagine it.

• I dream about every feeling I get while eating, including but not limited to the soft cookie resting on my bottom lip with my upper teeth slowly pushing through the icing and cookie just to have the sugar dance on my tongue and sing all the way to my stomach giving me the immediate feeling of a high, a sugar high.

• I get in my car and drive to the nearest market where they are likely to be. The fantasy is temporarily interrupted by the tedious task of driving.

• I go to the store and buy 2, 3, or maybe even 5 boxes. I lie to the cashier: "I certainly hope my son's class likes these treats I'm buying for them."

• I get to my car almost in the race, but I stay cool. I open the plastic container, which seems to challenge my intellect. The anticipation is exciting but unbearable.

• I pick one out with high, almost unattainable expectations, pop it in my mouth and gently push my teeth through the frosting and cookie to feel that sweet rush! It doesn't happen. Where do people dance and sing?

• I eat another and another and another and another and try to sing and dance as high as I used to. I eat every last one of them. My expectations are disappointed.

• Now I'm emotionally pounding myself for the amount I just consumed. I hit deep and I hit hard! I'm brutal

• Then comes remorse. I am now tired and suffering the physical effects of what I consumed. (I'm secretly getting rid of all evidence.)

• I promise myself again, it won't go any further. I tell myself I'll be good. I might even ask my husband for help! It won't happen again!

See you next time.

There is hope, my fellow campaigners! The American Journal of Medicine and the medical community now consider binge eating to be a disease that can be successfully treated with medication and/or therapy. It's called Binge Eating Disorder (BED). Finally, doctors understand that it is more than just a question of will. There are physical data and evidence of a medical phenomenon.

Please stop berating and criticizing yourself when you suffer from binge eating. You are not weak! You're not alone. You have a condition called Binge Eating Disorder (BED), which can be checked, diagnosed and treated.

Call your doctor and get help today. There are knowledgeable, trained and competent doctors. Don't stop until you find one!

Inspired by Gaylee T Mendenhall