Bipolar perception and its impact on relationships

Bipolar perception and its impact on relationships

Perceiving the world through the eyes of a bipolar person is difficult for people with typical thoughts. This is particularly problematic for people who love or are friends with a bipolar person. The question I hear most often from these people is, “How can my loved one do such horrible things to me when they claim to love or care for me?”

Let's explore this mystery. Keep in mind that I'm using the example below to the extreme to hopefully drive the point home. Many of us bipolar usually hover in the middle range unless we are severely unwell.

Sarah and Jack are married. Sarah is bipolar. The two maintain a healthy, loving and attentive relationship as long as she is well. She loves Jack with all her heart. A bipolar period of malaise distorts Sarah's perception. Their minds feed their misinformation about the world and their lives around them.

Her mind begins to pick apart everything Jack does. Did he smile at a waitress for too long? He wants to sleep with her. Did he answer a wrong number late at night? It was the woman from work he's sleeping with. Coming home late from work? I knew he was sleeping with her!

The longer Sarah feels uncomfortable, the more her mind will play with these thoughts and feelings. rotate them disproportionately. Then her mind might start dredging up all the other things about her life with Jack that didn't go as planned. Didn't you finish college? Jack's fault. Miscarriage? Jack's fault. Do a job she hates? Jack's fault.

Most likely this will peak and explode. Sarah will get into a big fight with Jack or find some other way to beat him for all these mistakes her uneasy mind has convinced her he is responsible for. Now come the verbal barbs and possibly worse. "I hate you. You're terrible. You're worthless. I wish I'd never met you." and liberally lacing it with obscenities.

This is where many people get it wrong. They ask, “If my loved one knew they hurt me, why wouldn’t they apologize?” Because they are not yet balanced or don't know what to say.

When was the last time you apologized to someone you hated? At this point, Sarah hates Jack because her brain has fed her lies and distorted her perception of what her life has been like. She doesn't love him right now and can take him out in various ways - a revenge affair for his "infidelity", physical and verbal abuse, or whatever her mind can devise.

An uneasy mind will eventually normalize. She'll go back to her baseline and be just as in love with Jack as ever, except now - she has this laundry list of all the terrible things she said and did to him while she was feeling heavy. And at that point, most of us bipolars will watch the ashes of yet another important thing in our lives slip through our fingers. Some of us will remain silent about it if we don't understand our illness very well, because what can you really say? What could possibly make up for these terrible actions? “I’m sorry” is often a pale shadow compared to the wound.

That doesn't mean things have to go that way - it's just the way they usually go because people aren't educating themselves enough about the disorder and how to deal with it.

If you are bipolar, you need to learn to identify the indicators that make you feel uncomfortable. Bipolar disorder is a mental illness; As an illness, there are symptoms that indicate when you are becoming ill. When you become ill, you can begin to pay more attention to your own thought processes to streamline your path through them. Almost all of the examples above could have been derailed if Sarah had realized she was off balance and stopped to really examine what she was thinking. Yes, it's hard. Yes, you won't always get it right. However, you can prevent a lot of damage by criticizing your own thoughts when you notice that you may be feeling uncomfortable.

If you can, look into cognitive therapy. A therapist can help you learn and refine these skills. You'll have to work hard to learn how to manage and defuse these thoughts, but it's a skill you'll use for the rest of your life. You either have bipolar disorder or you have it - there is no in between.

If you are a friend/loved one, you must know you and your boundaries very well. The bipolar person in your life will probably push them and walk over them. Being called obscenities by someone who normally loves can come as a shock. but ultimately it's just a few words. Be on the lookout for drastic changes in behavior. A major change in sleep patterns is a very common indicator. Any major change in moods or personal habits could indicate an unwell swing.

And that leads me to communication and trust. The bipolar person must be able to accept that they are bipolar, they will have drastic mood swings, and they must be able to communicate with their loved one if they become ill. The healthy person in the relationship needs to feel comfortable saying that the other person may be uncomfortable. You can learn to read and identify your partner's symptoms. Communication can prevent a lot of unnecessary hurt caused by unwell thinking processes because the healthy partner can introduce facts and realities that the unwell partner desperately needs.

Loving someone with a mood disorder isn't always pleasant. Never take on more than you can. Each person has their own lines and boundaries that they know cannot be crossed. It's not unreasonable to expect bipolar to work in your life to minimize the damage the disorder causes. Just be aware that they will probably fail horribly at it from time to time. We all do that. But – the disorder can be treated and you can have a fairly normal relationship/friendship with the person. Every relationship has challenges, ours are just a little different than typical.

Inspired by Dennis A Heil