Co-regulation: Helping children and young people deal with big emotions

When preschoolers have meltdowns or teenagers slam doors, parents face two difficult tasks: maintaining composure and supporting their children's ability to self-soothe while developing skills to handle future challenges.
These skills are at the heart of co-regulation, a parenting tool that requires patience and practice. But what exactly is it about and how can it support children and young people struggling with big emotions?

What is co-regulation?

“Co-regulation is a supportive, interactive and dynamic process,” says Lauren Marchette, a child, adolescent and family psychologist and lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.
Through warm and responsive interactions, caregivers help young people better regulate their emotions during life's inevitable upsets and challenges. “At its core, co-regulation is about engaging with a child in distress and assessing what the child needs in the moment to calm down.”
But before a parent or trusted adult can help a child, he or she must understand—and perhaps expand—his or her own emotional capabilities and boundaries. Emotions are often contagious, whether someone is upset or sharing a feeling of calm with others.
“The difficult part of co-regulation is that adults must recognize how they are feeling and be able to regulate their own emotions in difficult moments so that they can help children acquire the same skills,” says Marchette. “But this will be very important for children to develop healthy relationships over time, and it impacts how people behave at school, at work and in life in general.”

How does building emotional skills help children and young people?

As children grow, they learn different skills - how to build a block tower, play sports, or solve a math equation. They also learn emotional skills, such as recognizing and managing feelings of anger or fear.
Such emotional skills, known as self-regulation, are truly the foundation of well-being in life, says Marchette. By consistently practicing co-regulation, parents and other trusted adults promote their children's self-regulation skills.
The list of self-regulation skills is extensive and exciting

• emotionales Bewusstsein und Lese- und Schreibfähigkeit, einschließlich der Fähigkeit, Emotionen zu erkennen
• emotionale Regulierungsfähigkeiten wie Selbstberuhigung
• Perspektivenübernahme oder die Fähigkeit, „in die Lage eines anderen zu schlüpfen“
• soziale Fähigkeiten wie Abwechseln und Geduld üben
• Aufmerksamkeit schenken und bei Bedarf konzentriert bleiben
• Probleme lösen
• flexibel denken
• Zeitorganisationsfähigkeiten
• Ziele setzen.

What are the potential benefits of co-regulation?

Co-regulation allows children to eventually learn it

• mit Stress umgehen
• der sofortigen Befriedigung widerstehen
• Vermeiden Sie voreilige, schlecht informierte Entscheidungen
• Machen Sie Pläne und halten Sie sich daran
• Probleme lösen
• sich an Herausforderungen anpassen
• Gehen Sie gesunde Risiken ein.

Some research suggests this is the case better self-regulation skills is associated with more positive outcomes in life, such as: B. higher income and lower rates of substance use and violence.

Who could particularly benefit from co-regulation?

Everyone wins when children are better able to deal with frustration and manage their reactions to their thoughts and feelings. Parents, teachers, coaches, guidance counselors, mentors, and other adults who interact closely with children can also benefit.
When it comes to children themselves, there is hardly anyone whose life isn't improved by adults who invest in co-regulation, Marchette says.
But practicing co-regulation skills with certain children and adolescents—including those whose families are experiencing economic hardship, substance abuse, divorce, or other stressful situations—can be particularly important.

Is there evidence that co-regulation works?

“While co-regulation is built on a solid theoretical framework, not many studies have looked at its effectiveness – at least across all age groups,” says Marchette. “ Research This focuses primarily on infants and preschoolers.
“Much less is known about how co-regulation interventions work with older adolescents,” she says. “Research is trying to catch up with what we know from years of clinical experience.”

How can a parent coach a child through co-regulation?

Co-regulation is not a stand-alone ability. It's about maintaining a warm, open-minded relationship with the children, giving them structure and setting boundaries. “Children benefit from consistent, predictable routines with clear expectations and consequences,” says Marchette.
When a child begins to feel big emotions, the co-regulation response will look different depending on the child and the circumstances. But the steps that need to be taken are similar.
“First, parents need to stop and self-regulate their own emotions, such as taking deep breaths,” explains Marchette. “The next steps are Validate the child's feelings “Observe the child’s reaction and then decide how he should react next, including verbally and non-verbally, for example with a touch.”
Marchette offers an example from her own practice: 12-year-old “Eric” is doing a writing assignment in his bedroom when his mother suddenly hears loud noises. She goes to his door and finds him throwing a stapler, a notebook, and a container of pens off his desk. “What’s wrong with me?” he screams. “I’m bad at writing and I hate school!” Eric then lays his head on his desk.
The sixth-grader's mother knows he needs help calming down, so she pauses and takes a deep breath. Then she walks over, whispers his name and puts her hand on his shoulder. After more silence, Eric gradually sits up in his chair. “I can see how frustrated you are with this task,” she tells him, validating his feelings. “It must be really challenging.”
Eric's mother knows he needs a break after he mutters, "I can't do this." She suggests getting a glass of ice-cold water, and Eric grumpily follows her into the kitchen. After the break, they can reassess whether Eric is ready to get back to his homework or whether he needs more coping strategies—such as a walk outside or a game of Jumping Jacks—to vent his frustration.

What resources can help parents practice co-regulation?

The Administration for children and families offers a free Co-regulation in action Video series. And some therapists—particularly those who specialize in behavioral parent training or cognitive behavioral therapy—can help parents who feel their skills need a boost.
It is worth noting that it can be difficult to have sufficient resources – emotional, financial and other support – to consistently practice co-regulation. Anyone who wants to try it should allow themselves some patience as they learn the process. "Even parents who think their own self-regulation skills aren't as good as they'd like should recognize that it's a muscle they can strengthen," says Marchette. “It’s important to have that growth mindset.”