The lyrics of favorite songs reflect individual attachment styles

The lyrics of favorite songs reflect individual attachment styles

What does the repetition of a particular artist tell us about how to -; or how not -; navigate our romantic lives, friendships, and family bonds? Whether Adele or The Weeknd is on your go-to playlist, the lyrics can say a lot about you, and it all has to do with attachment styles, or how people typically think, feel, and act in relationships.

"I'm interested in the role music plays in people's lives. Since humans began making music tens of thousands of years ago, songs across cultures have always focused on relationships - entering into one, maintaining one, or breaking up - so I wondered, do people listen to music that reflects their relationship experiences?" says Ravin Alaei, who received his PhD from the Department of Psychology at the Faculty of Arts and Sciences in 2019.

In a new study published in the journal Personal Relationships, Alaei and Department of Psychology professors Geoff Macdonald and Nicholas Rule found that people's individual attachment styles match the lyrics to their favorite songs. In other words, we tend to return to the tunes that express what we're going through in a relationship, for better or for worse.

“Texts are important, so pay attention to them,” says Alaei, who is also a doctor and earned his MD from McMaster University. “The lyrics of your favorite songs about relationships can help validate your thoughts and feelings, but also reveal things about your relationship experiences that you may not have realized—something you go through repeatedly, that you keep encountering.”

First, a refresher on attachment styles, which can be broadly divided into four categories, says Alaei. Anxiously attached people worry about being rejected and seek a lot of reassurance about their relationships. On the other hand, avoidantly attached people respond to their negative expectations of relationships by shutting down emotions and intimacy in favor of independence. People with a mixed attachment style have confused expectations that fluctuate between clingy and cold. Finally, secure people have an optimistic outlook on relationships, are open communicators, and trust their partners.

We asked about 570 people to tell us their favorite songs and then coded the nearly 7,000 songs according to the attachment style their lyrics expressed. In turn, we have consistently found that people with avoidant attachment prefer music with avoidant lyrics. I was expecting to see a clear relationship between anxiously attached people and anxious songs because they are the most emotional, but surprisingly this was the most tenuous result.

Ravin Alaei, researcher

This strong avoidance bond is reflected not only on an individual level, but also on a societal level. In a second study, researchers coded over 800 Billboard number-one hits from 1946 to 2015 for their attachment themes and found that lyrics became more avoidant and less secure over time.

“Popular music lyrics parallel sociological trends of social separation – people value independence more than relying on others and feel more isolated,” says Alaei.

When we listen to music that reflects our relationships back to us, does that help or hinder our relationship skills? Alaei says this is the next step in research.

Take Adele's discography, for example, which Alaei says highlights angsty themes and was popular with attendees. “Someone Like You” appeared on many playlists, with the chorus: “I hate showing up out of the blue uninvited / But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it / I was hoping that you would see my face and that you would be reminded / that it’s not over for me.”

If someone is an anxiously attached person, will listening to “Someone Like You” repeatedly do more harm than good? According to Alaei, it all starts with self-knowledge of your own attachment style.

“As an anxious person, recognize that you are vulnerable to a negative feedback loop and your emotions snowball,” says Alaei. “Music can amplify this very strongly because it can stimulate deep emotions and memories and ultimately increase your worries.”

Adele fans may have very different relationship experiences than those who listen to The Weeknd's "Heartless." With lyrics like "Tryna be a better man but I'm heartless / Never be a wedding plan for the heartless / Low life for life 'cause I'm heartless," Alaei says it's a prime example of an avoidant song.

His advice: "Listen to the song a few times to help you process what you're going through and express your thoughts and feelings. You can decide whether listening to songs that reflect your experiences will either help you or reinforce destructive behaviors for yourself. At some point, listening to music that provides a sense of security may be more productive."

A popular throwback among attendees was Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe": "Then put your little hand in mine / There's no hill or mountain we can't climb."

“It’s pretty much a guide on how to securely attach,” Alaei says.

What do your favorite songs about relationships reveal about your attachment style? Here are some of the tunes research participants chose for their playlists:

Avoidance songs:

• Beyoncé, unersetzlich
• Chris Brown, verabschiede dich
• N’Sync, tschüss, tschüss
• Michael Jackson, Billie Jean
• TLC, Scrubs
• Rihanna, verneige dich
• Das Weeknd, die Hügel; Herzlos

Fearful songs:

• Adele – Jemand wie du
• Die Polizei, bei jedem Atemzug
• Miley Cyrus – Wrecking Ball
• Adele, hallo
• U2, Eins
• Seether, gebrochen
• Kein Zweifel, nicht sprechen
• Bruno Mars – Als ich dein Mann war
• Drake, Hotline Bling

Safe songs:

• Sonny & Cher, ich habe dich, Baby
• Whitney Houston, ich werde dich immer lieben
• Die Beatles, Love Me Do
• Ed Sheeran, Lautes Denken
• Einfache weiße Ts, ich liebe dich
• John Legend, Alles von mir
• Michael Bublé, habe dich noch nicht getroffen
• Beach Boys, wäre es nicht schön
• Bryan Adams, (Alles, was ich tue) Ich tue es für dich
• Etta James, Endlich
• Justin Bieber, Heilig

Anxious-Avoidant (mixed) songs:

• Carrie Underwood, bevor er betrügt
• Gotye, jemand, den ich früher kannte
• Taylor Swift, Böses Blut
• Sam Smith, ich bin nicht der Einzige
• Ne Yo, so krank
• Bonnie Raitt, ich kann dich nicht dazu bringen, mich zu lieben
• Adele – Rolling in the Deep
• Rihanna ft. Drake, Arbeit
• Eminem ft. Rihanna, Liebe die Art, wie du lügst

Source:

University of Toronto

Reference:

Alaei, R., et al. (2022) The lyrics of individuals' favorite songs reflect their attachment style. Personal relationships. doi.org/10.1111/pere.12448.

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